Twilight: A Musical
by AliceMcCarty
Summary: The characters of Twilight have a problem - they've all been randomly bursting into song. At first it was just kind of annoying, but soon they'll find that singing can cause more problems than they thought. Especially when they start spilling secrets.
1. Esme's Rock Star Moment

Twilight: A Musical

Chapter 1: Esme's Rock Star Moment

Song: I've Got A Theory - Cast of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"Can you believe it?" Alice squealed as she observed the students of Forks High. A boy of about seventeen was sitting at the table next to them. His head was in his hands, his face flushed as he belted out the lyrics of a love song. He stuttered over the words, especially the ones that had to do with making love, and it had a lot of those. It was a very bad song, but he could not seem to stop himself from singing. Perhaps the situation wouldn't have been so embarrassing if he had been singing to a girl. But no, he had made a comment to his friend about how good the cafeteria food had gotten lately, and suddenly he was singing to his sandwich about how "heartbreakingly beautiful" it was. Finally the song came to an end and he was able to look up from his plate.

"It's wonderful!" Alice exclaimed.

"It's weird!" Bella returned. "We have no idea why everybody has suddenly started acting like we're on Broadway! For all we know, some vampire could be living in one of the houses and using some sort of freaky power on us! Besides, I can't sing. What if it's contagious?"

"Aw, come on Bella! What could it hurt? So we sing and dance a little bit. It could be fun." Emmett interjected.

"Yeah," Bella said with a roll of her eyes, "fun."

E&B

Hours later, as Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice entered the Cullen house, they were surprised to see Carlisle waiting for them on the couch, watching the news.

"Hey dad." Emmett greeted.

"Hi kids. Good day in school?" Carlisle looked at all of his children. They all looked a bit confused by his presence in the house when he'd normally be at work. "I have the day off today. I'd look odd if I never took a personal day."

"Oh, okay. Hey, something weird happened today. See, this kid at the table next to us just randomly started singing. To his sandwich. I'm not sure what disturbs me more, actually. But do you have any idea why that would happen?" Edward asked.

"I don't know - oh. That's weird. Do you feel that?"

"Feel what?" Edward's eyes widened suddenly. "Carlisle, I can't hear your thoughts anymore! I can't hear anyone's!"

Carlisle ignored the second part. "A sort of itch."

Jasper frowned. "Vampires don't get itchy Carlisle. And why wouldn't Edward be able to hear our thoughts?"

Alice, Rosalie, Emmett, Carlisle, and Bella all simultaneously scratched their left ears, causing Jasper's and Edward's eyes narrow.

"Okay, something's going on here, -" Jasper was cut off as Esme entered the room, scratching her left ear vigorously.

"Hey Carlisle, sweetie, it's really weird. I was in the garden and suddenly I started to get all itchy. Why would that be happening?"

Everyone who was previously scratching dropped their arms and moved to various places in the room.

Edward's concerned gaze found Bella. "Is something wrong, love?"

"Of course not Edward! Why would it be?" She just smiled innocently at him and hopped up to sit on the counter. Or rather, she attempted to, but slipped and fell a little before Edward caught her. He lifted her gently to sit on the counter and kissed her on the forehead with a grin. Even if she and most of the other members of his family were acting strange, at least she was still his Bella, clumsy as always.

Carlisle's eyes brightened. "Everyone, I've got a theory!"

Oddly enough, music started up in the background. Jasper looked around suspiciously, but he couldn't sense anyone in the house.

"I've got a theory, that it's a demon! A dancing demon - no, something isn't right there."

Edward's and Jasper's jaws dropped as Carlisle sang to the family as though it was something he did every day. Then Alice started from her place next to Rosalie.

"I've got a theory, some kid is dreaming." She motioned to Rosalie casually doing jazz hands. "And we're all stuck inside his wacky Broadway nightmare."

Then Emmett chimed in.

"I've got a theory we should work this out."

Now everyone except Edward and Japer sang "It's getting eerie, what's this cheery singing all about?"

Then Emmett turned to his wife, perched on the back of the couch next to Alice. "It could be witches, some evil witches!" She glared at him, taking offense to the allusion that it would be only women causing this problem. Emmett cowered under her glare and continued, "Which is ridiculous, 'cause witches they were persecuted. Wicca good and love the earth and women power and I'll be over here." He sat down, far away from his wife and smallest sister.

Esme took her turn. "I've got a theory, it could be bunnies." Everyone looked at her like she was crazy, even Edward and Jasper who were decidedly freaked out.

Alice tried to break the silence. "I've got a-"

But Esme just couldn't keep her feelings in for any longer. The music turned into loud rock and Esme jumped up on the coffee table. "BUNNIES AREN'T JUST CUTE LIKE EVERYBODY SUPPOSES! THEY GOT THEM HOPPY LEGS AND TWITCHY LITTLE NOSES! AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CARROTS? WHAT DO THEY NEED SUCH GOOD EYESIGHT FOR ANYWAY? BUNNIES, BUNNIES IT MUST BE BUNNIES!"

They were all silent as Esme's outburst. She looked around sheepishly before stepping off the table and finishing quietly. "Or maybe midgets."

Alice looked at Carlisle and sang. "I've got a theory we should work this fast."

They both looked at Esme and sang "Because it clearly could get serious before it's passed." Esme looked away from both of them.

Bella slid carefully off the counter and took her turn. "I've got a theory. It doesn't matter. What can't we face if we're together? What's in this place that we can't weather? Apocalypse? We've all been there." She was referring to all of them having died, or nearly died in her case. "The same old trips. Why should we care?"

Everybody who'd been itchy moved to the middle of the room, looked at each other and sang. "What can't we do if we get in it? We'll work it through within a minute. We have to try. We'll pay the price. It's do or die."

Bella smiled wryly to herself as she sang. "Hey I've died twice." She didn't notice Edward's alarmed look.

Everybody but Jasper and Edward sang their final part. "What can't we face if we're together?"

Carlisle broke off for his own solo, "What can't we face?" before everybody sang in unison again.

"What's in this place that we can't weather? There's nothing we can't face."

Esme sang quietly. "Except for bunnies."

The music finally stopped. As soon as it did, everybody took a couple of awkward steps back from each other.

"Where did all the fuzzy feelings come from? I don't usually get like that unless Jasper's playing a prank or I'm alone with Rosie."

Carlisle shook his head at his youngest son. "I really don't know, Emmett. It was probably the same thing that was causing us to sing like that. Although it was extremely unsettling, may I tell everyone that they have wonderful voices?"

Bella, Rosalie and Alice smiled and thanked him, but Esme was far too embarrassed to remove her head from Carlisle's chest where she'd buried it as soon as the song had let go of its hold on her. Emmett just grinned arrogantly and said, "I know."

Carlisle chuckled and suggested that everyone retire to bed for the night. He asked Alice to call Charlie and ask if Bella would be able to stay the night. She just rolled her eyes at him, her way of saying she already had. After everybody had gone gracefully upstairs (Edward carried Bella), he sat her on his couch and looked her deeply in the eyes.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE DIED TWICE?"

She just sighed, so he toned it down a bit. "Please tell me, I'm all worried now."

"I didn't mean it literally, Edward. Clearly I'm still here with you. It was just part of the song."

He finally relaxed a little, though not all the way. "Okay love. Sleep now." He pulled a blanket from the back of the couch over her and got on top of the covers, wrapping his arms around her. "Goodnight love." He started humming her lullaby and Bella felt herself drifting off to sleep, her last thought for the night being that she hoped Edward couldn't tell she was lying to him.

**AN: So…what do you think? Should I continue? I won't use all Buffy songs, I'll probably do a lot of different ones, but I was listening to this song and I couldn't help myself. If you want to suggest any songs that you ever thought it would be funny to have the Twilight characters sing, then go right on ahead. I'll try to fit them in. Just please review! Also, sometimes I need a little motivation to update, so feel free to hound me a bit. I'm going to try to make this a funny story, so tell me how I'm doing. As you can see however, I'm trying to incorporate a plot, too. This will be and Edward and Bella story, but I'm not really good with romantic scenes, so it will probably mostly be them singing songs with the family. I tried to make it readable, so you can tell what's supposed to happen even if you aren't listening to the song as you read, although I do recommend that.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Buffy, the song, the characters, or pretty much anything. As a matter of fact, right now, I've only got about five dollars to my name.**


	2. Emmett Needs A Job

Twilight: A Musical

Chapter 2: Emmett Needs A Job

Song: I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today - Cast of Avenue Q

"Esme, I think it's time to admit that you've got a problem."

Carlisle took his wife's hand from the kitchen counter and and patted it gently as she tried to object.

"Carlisle, I do not have a problem! Just because I'm afraid of bunnies, does not mean there is something wrong with me!"

Edward leaned in toward Bella and whispered too softly for vampire ears. Bella could barely hear him. "Can you believe this? Over eighty years and we never knew. Though this does explain the incident in 1943 when Esme practically mauled a rabbit and tried to hide it from everyone by keeping it in the closet until she was able to remove it. Unfortunately, Carlisle decided to surprise her with a second honeymoon the day it happened. He brought her to Tahiti and she didn't get the chance to dispose of the corpse. By the time they got back, the whole house smelled rancid but Rosalie and Emmett were on the first honeymoon of their second wedding, Alice and Jasper hadn't found us yet, and I didn't have the heart to take care of it and let her know I knew what happened."

Bella was giggling softly by the time he was finished with his story. It sounded disgusting, and yet kind of hilarious at the same time. She could just picture Edward suffering throught the awful smell for the sake of his mother.

Suddenly they heard a loud crunching sound in the living room. Brows furrowed, they went to investigate and saw Emmett and Jasper huddled around a hunk of compacted plastic.

"What did you do noW?" Esme asked with an air of resignation.

"Nothing! Really! Well, okay. Maybe something. Possibly. Probably. Or, you know, definitely. Okay, stop hounding me! I broke the Playstation 3!"

Bella looked at Edward to ask silently why Emmett had given in so easily. Edward was trying to supress laughter as he explained, "Emmett can't keep a secret to save his life. You don't even need to ask him more than once, he'll just come right out and tell you. Sure he can lie just fine, but he has to tell you the truth if you ask him a question. His mom ingrained it into his and his brothers' minds when they were young."

"And how did that happen?"

"Me and Jasper were racing. I lost, and, um...Yeah." He gestured vaguely at what used to be the Playstation 3. Now that she was looking closer, Bella could see a handprint on one side, and she knew there would be another handprint on the other. Clearly Emmett had decided to take out his frustration on the game system and had crushed it quite a bit before he realized what he was doing and dropped it.

"Emmett Cupcake McCarty Cullen! You are going to replace tha-" Esme was cut off in the middle of her speech by Bella's sudden laughter. She was on her knees, holding on to Edwards leg to keep from collapsing, with tears in her eyes as she cackled.

"Emmett CUPCAKE McCarty Cullen? Is that seriously your middle name?" She managed to choke out.

"Momma liked her sweets, okay? It's not my fault." Emmett crossed his arms and seemed to be pouting as Bella's crazed guffaws continued.

"Anyway," Esme went on, "You are going to replace the Playstation 3. Using your own money."

"But I don't have any money! I just spent the last of it on a sound system for my jeep."

"Well, then I guess you're going to have to get a job. We're not going to replace another one of your toys because of your temper tantrums."

"Can't I just use the money in Rosie's account?"

Rosalie practically screeched her "NO!" in his ear. "I need that money for shoes! You're not taking my shoe fund because you're a big baby when it comes to losing! Just get a job! Be a grown up!"

Jasper was already snickering when Rosalie started her screaming and her comment about Emmett being a big baby only seemed to spur him on. "Yeah Emmett, get a job. Or do we have to replace your underwear with a giant diaper?"

Emmett started to retaliate, "Actually, I'll have you know that -" But he stopped when a couple notes of cheery music filled the room. He didn't even have time to notice itching before he was standing on the back of the couch, singing directly to Jasper.

"I'm not wearing underwear today! No, I'm not wearing underwear today!"

He did a little dance that looked like a shrug and then turned to look at the others.

"Not that you probably care much about my underwear, still nonetheless I've got to say - "

He opened his arms wide in a theatrical pose for the big finish.

"That I'm not wearing underwear today!"

As the music ended, Bella and Alice found themselves clapping enthusiastically. They might have had a problem with this if they hadn't found the whole thing so entertaining. Then they heard Rosalie's nagging voice.

"Get a job!"

Emmett smiled tightly at his wife as he replied, "Thank you, honey."

He jumped off the back of the couch and looked around at his family, mortified, before disappearing from the room. He'd only meant to tell Jasper that he'd had a job when he was human.

Carlisle seemed to be frozen as he looked at the spot where Emmett's little performance had occurred. "Well," he cleared his throat, "that was informative."

This triggered the laughter from Bella, Alice, Edward and Jasper. Rosalie pressed her hands to her eyes like she had a headache before following Emmett upstairs, Carlisle's eyes were still slightly widened as he turned and went back into the kitchen, and Esme yelled one last warning to Emmett before she followed Carlisle.

Finally the other four calmed down and took seats on the couches around the huge entertainment center. Bella looked at Edward and spoke through the risidual chuckles, "Is his middle name really cupcake?"

This caused another small outbreak of giggling from Alice, who kept nodding her head.

"Yes!" she exclaimed, "His momma really did like her sweets. Of course, we're not all without our embarrassing names."

Immediately Edward and Jasper stopped laughing and glared at Alice, telling her silently to shut up. She didn't see Edward's glare, and she simply chose to ignore Jasper's.

"Oh, now I have to know!" Bella said, seeing their faces.

"Bella, I would like you to meet my husband, Jasper Jasper Whitlock Cullen."

"You-" She coughed a little to clear her throat from the laughter, "You have the same first and middle name?"

Jasper shrugged sheepishly. "My parents weren't exactly clever people, Bella. They decided they liked the name Jasper and didn't see reason for thinking up another one. Then they thought, 'Hey, we'll just use that name again, since it sounds so nice!' But my parents had seven children, all boys. By the time they got to the sixth, me, they were getting pretty tired of the whole naming business. I count myself lucky, actually. My little brother is named Boy Again Whitlock."

Through her amusment, Bella couldn't help but be a little endeared to these simple people. Jasper felt it and sent a little grin her way.

"So, Bella, are you ready for bed?" Edward asked hurriedly, not bothering to wait for an answer before gently grabbing her hand and starting to help her off the couch.

"Wait a minute, you have one too!" Bella sat back down and stared expectantly up at him. He looked at her pleadingly, but she only crossed her arms and arched one eyebrow, as if to say, 'I'm waiting.' Edward sighed and looked at the floor.

"Edward Anthony Mrmmphiphal Masen Cullen."

Bella leaned a little closer. "What now, Edward?"

He looked back up at her and closed his eyes, gulping once before saying clearly, "Edward Anthony Muriel Masen Cullen."

Bella's jaw dropped slightly. "YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS MUR-"

"Shh! You three are the only ones who know. I think Emmett might be sympathetic, but Rosalie would never let me live it down." He sighed. "I have no idea what my parents were thinking. My father said it was a family name, but really?"

Bella still giggling and Edward still pouting, the two of them headed upstairs for bed.

Alice turned to her husband and whispered in shock, "Edward Anthony Muriel Masen Cullen. Wow. Even I did not see that one coming."

**There. You never told me what song you wanted them to sing, so instead of a family musical number, or a sweet love song from Edward, you all get a song about Emmett's underwear. Hope you're happy. But really, how was it? I tried to do better this time. A few notes, though. 1. I didn't listen to the song or look up the lyrics as I was writing it so I hope it's close enough. 2. I had some fun with the middle name thing. Please tell me what you think of it. 3. If you can tell me what show I referenced in this chapter, I will do something special in the next chapter for you. Whatever you want (except lemons.) 4. PLEASE REVIEW! I know I'm not the best author in the word, but I feel like crap when I don't get any. I'm not saying everyone has to or that I need a certain count, but I would really appreciate a few reviews. Especially since I'm really not sure how people are taking this story and I need some feedback. Please! 5. Sorry for the OOCness. But it's part of the fun, I think. If everyone was going to stay completely in character, this would be exactly like the books, now wouldn't it? Bye for now, and once again, PLEASE REVIEW!**


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